I Have Missed You
by DayDreamer6
Summary: Mac receives an unexpected visitor who changes her life forever and also changes Harm's perception of a past relationship.
1. Default Chapter

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Title: I Have Missed You

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Author: DayDreamer

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Email: elizden@knology.net

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Rating: PG-13

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Category: Mac story

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Classification: Angst

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Spoilers: Second Sight

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Summary: Mac receives an unexpected visitor that changes her life forever and also changes Harm's perception of a past relationship.

Chapter 1: Sad News

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08:45 hours

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia

'She really is beautiful,' thought Harrison MacLain as he watched Lt. Col. Sarah MacKenzie enter the building. She talked to one of her co-workers, a tall Navy Commander, as she entered, the two of them sharing a smile. They appeared to be friends. At that moment the Commander looked his way, looked right at him for a moment, but continued on into the building. Harry had seen the Colonel for the first time the day before. He had arrived at JAG just a minute after Col. MacKenzie and he had simply sat in his car and watched as she made her way to the building. He had left the car to follow her in, but had stopped in his tracks, changing his mind. He was still a little shocked to see her and decided to wait another day. The Admiral that entered the building with her had turned back and had seen the play of emotions on his face as he turned away to go back to his car. He had spent the past evening trying to think of the best way to do what he had to do, but he knew there was no easy way to go about it. Nothing else had been on his mind for the past month but this day. 

Staring into the distance, Harrison MacLain thought back to the day four weeks before that had changed his life. He had been on his way to the office for a 10:00 meeting with a client. He had an early workout and breakfast at the health club so he had decided to go in late that morning. But he never made it to work that day. The accident occurred a few miles from his office and it had been a bad one. It was a multi-car wreck on the short, but busy stretch of interstate near his exit. One person had died while six others had been injured, some more seriously than others. MacLain had been one of the lucky ones who suffered only a mild concussion and bruising. The driver of the car that had been thrown into his was not as fortunate. He could still remember how panicked she was when they brought her into the emergency room two hours later. The doctor was preparing to release him shortly after the paramedics brought her in. He knew immediately that it was the woman driving the car that had hit his. The vehicle had flipped several times and was hit by another car before it came to a stop. She had been pinned in her car, unconscious. The somber looks on the paramedics' faces told him that it wasn't good. The fire department had spent most of the last 2 hours trying to free her from the car. 

Harry took a deep breath and picked up his briefcase from the passenger seat and made his way to the JAG building.

MacLain walked into JAG headquarters and stood just inside the bullpen. He noticed Col. MacKenzie leaving what was presumably her office and making her way to an inner office. He walked forward toward the inner office. PO Coates noticed the distinguished looking older gentleman and thought that he was probably an attorney, given the briefcase. He was tall, lean and had black graying hair. He was handsome and wore a tailored suit, expensive but not overstated. He was most likely a civilian attorney working on a case that needed JAG assistance.

Walking over to him, PO Coates stopped him just outside the Admiral's outer office and asked, "May I help you, sir?"

"Good Morning, Petty Officer," said MacLain, offering her his hand and a smile. "I am here to see Col. MacKenzie if she isn't too busy."

"Do you have an appointment?" she asked, returning the smile.

"No, no I don't. The Colonel isn't expecting me."

"Sir, the Colonel usually has a pretty tight schedule. I will have to see if she can see you."

Giving a slight nod of the head in understanding, MacLain said, "I appreciate that, PO Coates."

"May I ask what your appointment entails, sir?"

"I'm sorry, Petty Officer. I really need to discuss it with the Colonel. It's of a personal nature."

Coates regarded the gentleman for a moment. For some reason she trusted him and decided to let the Colonel know that he was waiting to speak with her. "May I have your name?" 

"Oh, of course. Harrison MacLain," said MacLain, handing Coates his card. 

"Wait one moment, and I will see when she's free."

"Thank you."

Entering the Admirals office, PO Coates knocked on the open door, and entered. Commander Rabb, Col. MacKenzie and the Admiral were laughing about something the Commander had said when she entered.

"Good morning, Admiral, Sir, Ma'am."

"Good morning, Coates. You're just the person I need to see," said the Admiral.

"Yes, sir. " Turning to Col. MacKenzie, Coates continued. "Ma'am, there's a gentleman here requesting to speak with you." Handing the Colonel his card, "his name is Harrison MacLain, Ma'am."

Mac took the card and read from it aloud. "'MacLain, Fisher, and Madison', she said with raised eyebrow. The law firm was pretty well known in the DC area. In fact, they were well known in Chicago and Los Angeles as well, with their main offices in Los Angeles.

"Colonel, entertaining offers from another civilian firm?" asked AJ. He smiled at the Colonel's cringe. 

"Moving on up to the East Side, Mac?" joked Harm. 

"No I am not," said Mac, with a laugh. "Coates, what did he say he wanted?"

"He didn't Ma'am, but…"

"But what, Coates?" 

"I don't know Ma'am...he said that he needed to discuss it with you."

"Well, okay." Turning to the Admiral, she said, "Sir, may I take a moment?"

AJ recalled the gentleman outside the building yesterday morning and said "Coates, why don't you ask him to come in?"

Mac was a little surprised by the Admirals request, as was Harm. 

Harm said, "Okay, Mac, you might as well fess up now; you're caught." 

They both thought that the Admiral was checking to make sure it wasn't another job offer so both were smiling as Coates showed MacLain in. Harm's smile faded as he recognized the man from the parking lot earlier that morning.

Mac turned to MacLain and offered him her hand, still smiling from Harm's teasing. "Hello, I'm Col. MacKenzie."

"Hello Colonel," MacLain said with a friendly smile as he shook her hand. "So, you're called Mac?"

"Yes, my friends call me Mac."

"Well, that just doesn't seem right. My friends call me Mac. I think I'm more of a Mac than you are," he said, teasing her.

"Well, stick around. I may prove you wrong," she laughed. "This is Admiral Chegwidden and Cmdr. Rabb."

"Admiral; Commander," said MacLain as he shook each man's hand in turn.

"What can I do for you, Mr. MacLain?" asked Mac.

Harrison MacLain looked at the Colonel for a moment before answering. He couldn't describe exactly what he was feeling, but he knew that he liked the Colonel. And the next few minutes were not going to be easy for either of them.

"Colonel, is there somewhere we can go and talk for a few minutes?"

"Yes, we can go to my office," replied Mac. If first impressions meant anything, Mac believed that Harrison MacLain was a nice man. And she sensed that what he wanted to see her about was important because there was something in his eyes that belied the easy banter between them.

"Mr. MacLain," said AJ as he walked from behind his desk, "why don't you tell the Colonel what you want to discuss here?"

"Yes, that's a good idea," added Harm, subtly moving to position himself between Mac and MacLain.

Mac turned to them in complete surprise. "Sir, is there something wrong," she asked the Admiral, looking from him to Harm.

AJ didn't reply, but waited for MacLain to respond. Harrison MacLain looked from the Admiral to the Commander and realized that they both remembered seeing him in the parking lot on different occasions. He knew that they were looking out for the Colonel so he set out to reassure them of his intentions.

"Admiral, Commander, I assure you I am not here to harm Col. MacKenzie."

"Would you care to explain why you were in the parking lot today, watching the Colonel?" asked Harm.

"Today?" asked the Admiral, then turning to MacLain, "You were also in the parking lot yesterday, when the Colonel arrived."

MacLain looked down for second and then faced them with resignation . "That's correct, Admiral. I need to explain. But truly, this is something I need to discuss with Col. MacKenzie in private."

"Whatever it is, you can discuss it here," said Mac, feeling a little uneasy. "What is this about?"

Harrison looked at Mac and then said, "May we sit?"

"I'm fine standing, Mr. MacLain. Why are you here?"

"Colonel, please, have a seat." It was a request and for some reason Mac found herself obeying. Harm walked over and closed the Admiral's door and then stood to one side of Mac. The Admiral rang PO Coates in the outer office and told her to hold his calls, then sat on the front edge of his desk. MacLain turned his chair to face Mac. Lacing his fingers together to make a steeple (truly a lawyer's habit) he leaned slightly forward and began to speak.

"Colonel, I arrived here from Los Angeles two days ago. I came here to speak with you but I guess I needed to delay that for a day or two. You'll have to forgive me for that. 

"Not long ago I was involved in an accident in Los Angeles. It was a multi-car collision, a bad one. I was fortunate and only sustained minor injuries." Looking into Mac's eyes, he continued. "The driver of the car that was thrown into mine was not as fortunate. That vehicle flipped several times, and was eventually hit by another vehicle before it came to rest. The car was destroyed and the paramedics and fire department worked for two hours to get the driver out. They succeeded and rushed her to Mercy Memorial Hospital. But she didn't make it. She died an hour later in the emergency room. I was treated at the same hospital and was there when they brought her in. I am very sorry to have to tell you, Colonel, but it was your mother."

Mac sat in stunned silence. Whatever he had to say, she wasn't expecting this. She just looked at him, unmoving, unable to speak. 

"Mac, I'm so sorry," said Harm, squeezing her shoulder. 

"I'm sorry, Mac," said the Admiral. He knew that she was shocked and was still absorbing what MacLain had said.

Mac stood, but she didn't move from her spot. She was trying to think of something to say, but her mind was blank. She and her mother had been estranged since she was fifteen, but her death was still a shock.

"Colonel, are you okay," asked MacLain as he stood with her. "Please, sit down. I know this is a shock."

Mac came out of her daze and shook her head as if to clear her mind. She swallowed and attempted to speak. Finally she said, "I'm okay. I … I need to go to my office."

MacLain took her hand to stop her. Speaking quietly to her, "Colonel, sit back down."

"No, I'm fine." Looking up at him, "Thank you Mr. MacLain, for coming to tell me, but I'm fine."

"Okay, but I want you to sit down for a few minutes. Will you do that?" asked Harrison.

Mac sat but she didn't say anything. MacLain did not release her hand, but continued to hold it as he spoke to her. "Will you drink a little water if I get it for you?" 

Numbly, Mac shook her head 'yes' and MacLain motioned with his head for Harm to bring her a glass. Mac held the glass but didn't drink. MacLain continued holding her hand and talking to her.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Mac looked up at him and shook her head 'no'.

"That's okay. I understand."

MacLain watched her and wanted to gather her close to comfort her. But all that he could do was hold her hand to let her know he understood what she was feeling. Finally Mac spoke.

"She was trapped in the car."

"Yes, for a while," Harrison told her, still speaking calmly and quietly. She was trying to maintain her composure, so he didn't push her with sympathy.

"My mother isn't … she wasn't a strong person." Looking up at him with tears that she tried to hold back, she said, "She would have been … she would have been …"

"I know. She would have been frightened.

"I wasn't at the scene very long before the fire department arrived. But I did see your mother at the hospital. I was with her when she died. She wasn't alone." 

"You were with her?"

"Yes, I was with her."

At that Mac did break down and cry. Harrison MacLain immediately gathered her in his arms and held her. He held her and let her cry until she was in control. He gave her a handkerchief and led her to the sofa in the Admiral's office where he sat beside her, holding her right hand still. 

AJ and Harm silently watched the two, both noting how Harrison MacLain seemed to understand just how to handle this with Mac. He wasn't leaving her side, but he wasn't crowding her either.

Mac was crying silent tears and attempting to stem them. Looking down, she told MacLain, "My mother and I weren't close. She left when I was young. I didn't see her again until four years ago when my father died. We didn't keep in touch."

"I know, Sarah. She told me."

Mac looked up at him. "You talked to her?"

"Yes, I talked with her. She insisted," he told her, with a small smile.

"Sarah, I know that you and your mother were estranged and this can't be easy for you for that reason, but I would like to tell you about our conversation."

"No, I … No, don't."

"Mac, look at me," said MacLain softly, and Mac did as he said. "I'm not here to judge you or your mother. Nor to make excuses. But I would be wrong if I didn't tell you what I know to be true. Your mother loved. She wasn't the mother she should have been, and I don't tell you she loved you because she's no longer here. I'm telling you for you. You need to know and accept that although she wasn't a good parent, she did love you."

Mac looked at him and admitted to herself that she needed to believe what he told her. She had always needed to believe her mother loved her.

Harm asked the question that he knew Mac was afraid to ask. "What did you and Mac's mother talk about, Mr. MacLain?"

"Call me 'Mac'; no, you better make that 'Harry' to avoid confusion," he said with a smile at Mac. He then turned back to her, leaving it her choice if he repeated his conversation with her mother. He reached up and caressed her bent head, knowing it wasn't easy for her to ask. Somehow his comforting her made the tears flow stronger, but also gave her the courage to ask him to continue.

"What did you and my mother talk about?"

Harry reached and gave her a short hug and kissed the top of her head. His genuine concern and care for Mac didn't go unnoticed by Harm and AJ. And Mac seemed to trust him. The two of them leaned back against the sofa and he began to tell her about her mother's last moments.

"We talked about you," he said, giving her hand a squeeze. "When your mother was brought in to the emergency room, she was conscious and highly agitated. She was in the treatment area next to mine. The doctors had examined her and tried to stabilize her but there was not a lot that they could do. She had extensive internal injuries and head trauma. They gave her something for the pain, but surgery was out of the question. Her injuries were such that she would not have survived surgery. The doctors and nurses were attempting to calm her down, but unsuccessfully. She wanted them to let her leave. She kept telling them that she had an appointment she had to keep. A lot of what she said I couldn't really make sense of, not until she began to ask for Harrison MacLain."

"She asked for you?" asked Mac in surprise. AJ and Harm both looked at him in surprise also.

"Yes, she did. My thought was that she somehow knew that her car had hit mine. The nurses believed the same. One told her that I was fine and that she didn't have to worry about. I stopped one of the nurses as she was leaving your mother's treatment area and asked if your mother would be okay. The nurse didn't want to say, but she shook her head 'no'. That's when I told the nurse that I would go in and show her myself that I wasn't seriously injured. She tried to talk me out of it, she didn't think it was a good idea. The doctor came back at that moment and the nurse explained that I wanted to go in and see her. He advised against it for several reasons, but he consented since she had no family there. Your mother refused to give them any information and they didn't yet have her purse from the accident scene. 

"When I went in, your mother was still agitated and I told her who I was. She didn't believe me at first but I convinced her that I was Harrison MacLain. She asked the other nurse to leave and then told me that she had to talk to me…."

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2 weeks earlier,

Mercy Memorial Hospital

Los Angeles, CA

"Promise me you aren't lying to me," said Deanna MacKenzie, struggling to speak through her pain. She had a dazed look in her eyes, but she was lucid.

"I promise you, Ms. MacKenzie, I am Harrison MacLain. I was in the same accident, but I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me."

"Prove to me you're Harrison MacLain. I need to be sure. Please…"

Taking his driver license from his wallet, Harry showed him her ID. He knew that she most likely couldn't see clearly to read it with her injuries and that she didn't quite believe him.

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a lawyer Ms. MacKenzie. Hush, now, and try to relax."

"I don't want to relax. Where is your office," she said in between drawing deep breaths. "What is the address?"

Harry pulled up the stool next to the bed and took Deanna MacKenzie's hand. He told her his office address and tried to get her to calm down. After he answered her, she did calm down, but she began to cry softly. 

"Try to relax, Ms. MacKenzie. I'm going to sit right here, okay?"

"You really are MacLain, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"I have to talk to you. I have an appointment with you at 10:00." Turning her head so that she could see him, she said "You don't believe me, do you?"

"It's okay, try to relax."

Deanna visibly relaxed and began to speak quietly. " You have to listen to me."

"You don't have to talk, just try to…"

"Stop. I know that I'm dying." She turned to him, grimacing in pain. Harry adjusted his position so that she could see him clearly without moving and she quietly continued. "MacLain, I know what I'm saying. And I don't have much time, so I just need you to listen to me."

"I will listen."

"I have an appointment with you today. You can ask your secretary. I'm your 10:00 appointment. You have a 10:00 appointment, don't you?"

"Yes, I do," said Harry, even though it was well after noon now. "Why did you want to see me?"

"To tell you about my daughter. You don't remember me do you? You wouldn't, I've changed so much." Deanna paused for breath, then continued. "In August of 1967 you were stationed on the USS Enterprise and your ship was docked at Norfolk for six months. Your first night in, you and your friends went to this bar that the Navy and Marine boys liked to hang out at. We met there and we went back to a hotel together. My husband found me later and you and he fought …

Harrison MacLain sat without moving in shocked silence. He did remember that night. It was a night that he would never forget. Suddenly he couldn't breath, but he forced himself to keep listening. He had to hear what Deanna had to say, because he knew that was her name. Deanna …

****

Present day,

Adm. Chegwidden's office

"Your mother began telling me about you. She started when you were born. She talked about what you were like as a little girl, your make believe friend, your trophies, how you were a tomboy. She told me about herself and your father. She didn't make excuses, she just told me the way things were."

Harry looked down, obviously struggling with retelling the things Deanna MacKenzie had told him about Mac's childhood. "She told me about her relationship with your father, his drinking, and what it was like for you. She admitted that she had left when you were fifteen, scared and not able to take the abuse anymore. She should have taken you with her, but she didn't. She didn't think that she could look after you and herself, so she left you there with your father. She told me that he never hit you. She said that she had used that as her rationale for leaving you behind, but that the truth was that she was never good at taking care of anyone, not even herself. She still believed that you were better off with Earl MacKenzie than you were with her.

"She told me that you were a Marine Lt. Colonel and a lawyer. She talked about your military career. She followed your assignments when she could," Harry told her, squeezing her hand.

"She was very proud of you and she wanted you to know that. She was growing weak and her nurse came in to ask me if I would encourage her to tell them her next of kin. But she wouldn't and made me promise not to. She told me that the last time she saw you was at your father's bedside when he lay in a coma. She didn't want them to call you; she didn't want to put you through that again. Sarah, your mother was very ill, even before the accident. She had numerous medical problems and her medicines were just not working anymore. Her doctors had told her that she had maybe three months at the most.

"She had already made arrangements for her burial, told me how to contact the minister at her church. She said that he would know what to do. I promised that I would. She said that the minister had a box of things that she wanted you to have. "

Turning to Mac, Harry told her, "I picked up the box from the church, but I didn't bring it with me. Sarah, I don't know what your plans are, but I think it's important that you visit your mother's grave. You may not know it now, but you will need closure."

Harry stood and picked up his briefcase, opening it on the Admiral's desk to retrieve an airline ticket. He walked back to Mac and handed her the ticket.

"I bought this for you because I'm hoping you will come to Los Angeles to get the things your mother left for you. It's an open-ended ticket so you can come whenever you're ready. If you decide not to, I will ship the package to you. But I very much hope that you will retrieve it in person."

Mac looked up at him and asked, "Why, why would you do this?"

"I guess I was hoping you would travel back to L.A. with me in a couple of days. I'm going to be here until Thursday. And … I didn't know if you would want to travel alone."

Mac and MacLain sat looking at each other for a few moments, before MacLain stood again. 

"Well, I should go. Sarah, if you decide to go to L.A. Thursday, you can reach me at the Four Seasons on Madison."

Mac stood, facing Harrison. The two just looked at each other, neither saying anything. Finally Mac asked him a question.

"You didn't say why she had an appointment with you. Why did my mother need a lawyer?"

Harry didn't break eye contact with Mac when he answered her.

"She was ill. I suppose she wanted to take care of last minute things. I don't know if she wanted to draft a will; we didn't talk about it. She spent her last moments telling me about you."

"Harry, when did the accident happen," asked the Admiral.

"Two weeks ago."

"Two weeks?" asked Mac. "Two weeks…" Mac looked dazed at that and Harry quickly stepped forward and had her sit again. 

"Was it exactly two weeks ago, Harry?" asked Harm.

"Yes, today would be two weeks. Why do you ask?"

"Mac, you had that dream two weeks ago."

"What dream," asked Harry, looking from Harm to Mac.

Mac answered, her voice thick with unshed tears. "I don't know… it … it wasn't a dream really. I was home. I had taken a personal day. That afternoon, something happened to me. I started crying and I couldn't stop. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I decided to lie down and I fell asleep. I didn't wake again until 6:00 the next morning. The day at work went by in a blur and when I went home, I couldn't stay. I went to see Harm and told him what had happened. Now I know…" said Mac.

"I don't understand. Why didn't you contact me sooner?"

"Your mother wanted me to contact you in person. I only knew your name and that you were a Marine attorney. I didn't want to go through the Red Cross, so it took me a little longer to get the information I needed. I came as soon as I could." 

"She asked a stranger to contact me in person. Why would she ask that of you?"

Harry held Mac's gaze, pondering how to answer her. She had been through a lot and he didn't want to put too much on her at once. But Mac saw the indecision in his eyes and said, "Tell me. Why did she ask you to contact me in person?"

"Sarah, I wasn't a total stranger. I knew your mother, years ago. We met when I was in the Navy, stationed at Norfolk."

Mac didn't move and Harry's eyes never faltered. AJ and Harm shared a look, understanding dawning on them at the same time. They both knew the moment that Mac began to understand.

Mac suddenly stood and excused herself. She hurriedly walked to the Admiral's latrine and closed the door.

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The End, Chapter One


	2. I Have Missed You

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Title: I Have Missed You

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Author: DayDreamer

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Email: elizden@knology.net

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Rating: PG-13

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Category: Mac story

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Classification: Angst

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Spoilers: Second Sight

Summary: Mac receives an unexpected visitor that changes her life forever and also changes Harm's perception of a past relationship.

Chapter 2: I Have Missed You

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Adm. Chegwidden's office

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia

Mac lowered the seat of the commode and sat down, her face buried in her hands. It couldn't be true. Harrison MacLain couldn't be…She didn't voice the thought. Instead, she sat, alternately staring into space and lowering her head to keep from throwing up. It couldn't be true…

MacLain walked to the latrine and raised his hand to knock. But he decided to give her time to think, so he turned back to Adm. Chegwidden and Cmdr. Rabb's watchful eyes. He didn't say anything, but he realized they knew why he had come all this way.

AJ knew that this was a defining moment for both Mac and MacLain, so he refrained from saying anything. Harm wanted to go to Mac, but he waited. She needed time to herself. Watching Harrison MacLain, Harm was immediately struck by the similarities. He didn't know why he hadn't seen them earlier. Mac had his eyes, his hair, and his complexion. 

AJ was having similar thoughts. He had no doubt that MacLain wanted to get to know Mac. If he hadn't, he would never have come all this way to see her and to stay by her side as he delivered the news about her mother's death. He had shown nothing but concern and compassion for Mac since his arrival. And he understood Mac. AJ recalled his earlier observation that there seemed to be a trust between Mac and MacLain, the way they talked and how Mac had accepted his support. He liked MacLain.

Harry finally stopped pacing and stood a few feet from the latrine again. Mac had been in there for over 10 minutes. She had guessed what he had been holding back saying, and now he was worried for her.

MacLain walked to the restroom door and knocked.

"Sarah, are you okay?" No answer.

"Sarah, I need you to come out and let me know you're okay." Still no answer. Harry was prepared to go in when Mac opened the door. They stood close reading the other's emotion in their eyes, neither speaking. 

Then Mac said, "I'm okay."

They walked together back into the office. No one in the room spoke.

Harry turned to Mac and said, "Sarah, there's so much more that I need to tell you. But it can wait. I think you should go home now, and rest." Holding her hand, he said, "I'll drive you."

Mac looked up at him and quietly asked, "Are you my father?"

Without hesitation, MacLain held her eyes and replied, "I hope so."

Father and daughter stepped together in a tight embrace. Mac cried and MacLain held his daughter like he never wanted to let her go. 

"Sweetheart, I didn't know," Harry said. "If I had known, nothing would have kept me from being in your life."

"I have missed you so much," Mac cried.

"And I have missed you."

When they finally stepped apart, they couldn't help but smile through their tears. Harrison MacLain put his arm around his daughter and walked with her back to the sofa to talk.

AJ stepped forward to shake Harry's hand and said, "Welcome to the family, MacLain." Then he did something he had never done before. He gave Mac a big hug and smiling his approval said, "I'm happy for you, Colonel."

"Thanks, Admiral."

"It's good to know you Mr. MacLain," said Harm, shaking his hand. He smiled and turned to Mac and gave her a big hug.

"Likewise Commander. But we have met before, but I will get to that." Harm looked quizzically at him. He didn't remember having met Harrison MacLain before. "But first, Sarah, there is so much I need to tell you. I don't want to overwhelm you. Are you up to this?"

"I think so. We… we may be jumping the gun. We don't know that you're really my father."

"Yes, we do. I'm sure of that. I should tell you first how your mother and I met. I'm afraid it's not a pretty story, but I want you to know everything.

"I was 20 years old and stationed on the USS Enterprise. We were docked for six months in Norfolk the fall of '67. Our first night in, we did the usual. We bar hopped, got drunk, had a few harmless fights. I met your mother in one of those bars. We were having a good time and she and I decided to leave together. We went to a hotel. An hour later, a man almost broke down the door. He was drunk, cursing and barely coherent. But he was strong and he came at me. We fought; there was a lot of yelling all around. I got the better of him fairly quickly; he was much drunker than I was. It finally sank in what he was saying. He was still threatening to break my neck for fooling around with his wife.

"I didn't know she was married because she didn't tell me that. I was not happy. I tried to get out of there as fast as I could, leaving the two of them yelling at each other. Just as I was leaving, he managed to get up and he hit her, hard. I turned back and decked him. He was out cold, so I tried to get her to leave before he came to. She didn't want to leave him, but she told me to go. She said that he would sleep it off and he wouldn't remember a thing. She said that she was sorry for getting me involved in a fight.

"I helped her get him to the bed, and then I left. I went back to the ship and stayed the rest of the night. I was too ashamed to look up my buddies and tell them what had happened. It would have been a big joke to them, but I didn't see it that way. I never told any of them what happened. I never saw Deanna again until six months later, the day before I shipped out for another six months of sea duty.

"The day before I left, I was just leaving the commissary when I spotted your mother across the parking lot. She and her husband were putting items away in the trunk of their car. Of course, I wanted to avoid them seeing me, but Deanna turned at that moment and saw me and I saw her, a very pregnant her. I was shocked. I didn't even realize that I had started walking toward them until Deanna shook her head 'no.' I stopped and she turned away. Her husband said something and they laughed. They were happy and I remember him helping her into the car. He touched her stomach and reached down and kissed her before closing the door. When they drove away, she turned back and shook her head again. That was the last time I saw Deanna until two weeks ago at the hospital.

"Four weeks after that night at the hotel, I met the love of my life, married her, and five months later we were expecting our first child. We were young and ecstatic. My wife's estimated delivery date was two weeks after I was due to return to port. But when I left, I left with a heavy heart. I couldn't get the image of a pregnant Deanna out of my mind. I didn't even know her last name. I knew her husband's name was Earl, but that was all. To make a long story short, I felt a lot of guilt and I tried to bury that guilt with alcohol. Three years later I had quit the Navy and was in law school. My wife and I both had small trust funds so we were able to attend law school together. I became a functioning alcoholic and every time my wife tried to talk to me about it, I shut her out. 

At that Mac looked quickly at him. "Yes, I'm am a recovering alcoholic," he said.

"We have something in common. I am a recovering alcoholic as well."

Harry regarded her with understanding and said, "You came by it honestly."

"One day, a week before we were due to graduate from law school, my wife threatened to take my son and leave me. She sent our son to stay with friends and she laid it all on the line. My wife was my best friend, but I couldn't tell her about the thing that was eating me up. Not until I realized just how much I had to loose. It wasn't easy telling her, but I did. 

"I expected her to be angry and disappointed in me, to not want to talk about it again. But she was the very opposite. She convinced me to do everything that I could to find Deanna and talk to her because the alternative was unacceptable. I started going to AA meeting and Mattie and I tried to find Deanna. A year later we had had no luck." 

Looking at Mac, Harry continued. "I made a decision then. I made the decision to let go. For my family and my sanity, I had to let go. I had to assume that the couple in that parking lot was still happy, and that I wasn't the father. There was nothing else I could do. I am sorry, Sarah."

"You don't have to apologize to me. I don't think you abandoned me, Dad," said Mac. She was surprised at herself. It felt so right calling him Dad that it just slipped out.

Harry reached across and hugged his daughter, tears in his eyes. She had called him Dad, just like that. "I love you, Sarah."

"I love you, too."

That sat smiling at each other and crying. Harry kept his arm around his daughter and continued. "There's more. Not about your mother and me, but about the rest of your family. But first, let me tell you why I knew you were my daughter. I want to show you something," said Harry as he retrieved his briefcase. 

Harry reached inside and pulled out a photograph of Mac in her dress uniform. "I called on an old friend of mine to pull strings to get me your service record."

Mac looked at him with mock outrage. Harry laughed, knowing no shame.

"You must have a friend in pretty high places, MacLain," said AJ.

"I'm not telling, Admiral," laughed Harry. "But Sarah, this is what I wanted you to see," he said as he handed her a second photograph.

"Oh my …This is… " Mac looked up at Harm, surprise on her face. Looking at her father, she said, "This isn't me."

"No, it isn't. That is a picture of my niece."

"Your niece?"

"Yes. You can imagine my shock when I received your service record and saw your picture for the first time. I thought that it was a mistake. But it was no mistake. It seems you and my niece bare a remarkable resemblance."

Harm sat rigid as it sank in who MacLain's niece was. He knew of only one other person whom Mac resembled so closely. He didn't have to look at the photograph to know whose picture it was.

"Commander, I believe you knew my niece," said Harry as he handed Harm the photo. Harm accepted the photo, knowing that it would be a picture of Diane Schonke. "You and I briefly met at Diane's funeral. None of us knew that you were responsible for finding her killer. It wasn't until I received Sarah's service record, and thinking the photo was a mistake, I requested information in Diane's record. All of us want to thank you for not giving up and bringing us closure. Yourself as well. I know that the two of you were close."

AJ looked at the picture of Diane then looked at Mac. He couldn't believe how much they looked alike. They could have been twins. 

"No wonder you looked like you had seen a ghost the first time you and the Colonel met," he said to Harm. "This is incredible."

Harry sensed that Mac had become uncomfortable and he guessed that there was something between Harm and her. "Sarah, take a look at this photo."

The next photo was old, and not of either her or Diane. It was of a young woman that looked remarkably like the two of them, however.

"This is a photo of your grandmother, my mother. You and Diane both look like her. Now you can understand why I know that you are my daughter."

****

The End, Chapter 2


	3. Cousins and Siblings

****

Title: I Have Missed You

****

Author: DayDreamer

****

Email: elizden@knology.net

****

Rating: G

****

Summary: Mac receives an unexpected visitor that changes her life forever and also changes Harm's perception of a past relationship.

Chapter 3: Cousins and Siblings

****

Adm. Chegwidden's office

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia

Mac sat looking at the photo of her grandmother and Diane as Harry continued telling her about his family.

"Diane's death was very hard on all of us. My sister and I, my twin sister, lost both our parents when we were 18. We came from a very close family and we nurtured the same closeness in our children. My son Chase and Diane were more like brother and sister than cousins. She always spent her vacations with her parents or my family. Two weeks before her death, she and Chase went skiing together; he was the last family member to see her alive.

"Your mother told me that you had an imaginary friend when you were a child. You won't believe this, but your cousin also had an imaginary friend -- and her name was Sarah," Harry said with a smile. "When they were small, Chase would tease Diane mercilessly about 'Sarah'. But Diane never gave her up. She would argue right back that she and her little sister 'Sarah' were going to get him. 'Sarah' was very real to her and she actually didn't stop speaking of her until she was a teenager, when she left for the Academy. I don't mean that she pretended to play with 'Sarah' or set a place at the table for her as she did as a child. But what she did do was keep a diary. Instead of addressing her entries as 'Dear Diary', she always wrote 'Dear Sarah'. None of us knew that except her mother."

Mac sat in silence taking it all in. Her father loved Diane very much and obviously missed her. She wasn't sure how she felt about learning that she and Diane were related, but most of all she wondered if her father saw her as Diane's replacement. She remembered all too clearly how often Harm had discreetly watched her when she first came to JAG. She risked a glance at him now to see how he was accepting the news, but she quickly looked away. It was there on his face that he was having a hard time hearing her father speak of Diane. 

As Harm listened to Harrison MacLain talk about his niece, he felt as if he were hearing of someone he had never met. Diane had never talked about her cousin who was like a brother to her. For the first time, he realized that Diane had not spoken of her family very often at all. Why, when they were obviously so close? He thought that he had known her so well, but had he really? The imaginary friend, the diary, all of that was news to him. He remembered the trip she had taken just before she died. He remembered it because he had tried to get her to agree to coming back early to spend the weekend with him. He wanted to talk to her alone, without the distraction of work. 

He had been in love with Diane, had wanted to marry her. The night she was killed she had been on her way to meet him and they were going to spend the weekend together. Harm had not planned to propose that weekend, but he wanted to tell Diane that he was in love with her. He knew that she loved him, but he had felt … what? He never could describe how he felt, maybe just a little unsure or insecure. He didn't get a chance to lay those fears to rest; Diane had been killed before he knew without a doubt that she loved him just as much as he loved her.

"What was the name of your imaginary friend, Mac?" asked AJ.

"It was…it was Annie," said Mac in a quiet voice.

"You're joking!" said Harry, in stunned disbelief.

"No, what is it?" asked Mac.

"Diane's mother called Diane 'Annie'. She was the only one who did, always. That's an incredible coincidence. Abby and Sam won't believe this. That's my sister and her husband, Diane's parents."

Mac was shocked as well. She remembered how her imaginary friend had seemed so real to her, too. She was always there when Sarah needed someone to help her shut out her mother and father's arguing and fighting. Whenever she felt tiny and scared, 'Annie' was there. Suddenly Mac needed to be alone and just wanted to go home. She needed to think, to get away and just…

"They're anxious to meet you, by the way. As is your brother, Chase."

Seeing Mac's sudden look of foreboding, Harry realized that she was feeling overwhelmed by all that he was telling her so he quickly added, "… but that can wait. Right now I think you really should let me take you home so that you can relax."

"Yes, you should go home, Mac. Take the rest of the week and then as much time as you need … that's an order," said AJ when Mac would have objected. "I don't want to see you back here for at least two weeks."

"Thank you, Admiral," Mac said. The Admiral was giving her time to spend with her father.

"I'll take any open cases you have, Mac. Just leave the files on your desk," volunteered Harm.

Mac nodded okay to Harm and stood. She felt tired and drained. Harry stood as well and was preparing to leave with Mac when PO Coates rang the Admiral.

"I'm sorry to disturb you sir, but there's a Chase MacLain on the line asking if Harrison MacLain is here."

Harry smiled and gave a slight shake of the head, saying "My son. He's wondering why I haven't called."

"Thank you Coates, put it through," said AJ.

"You can put it on speaker, Admiral."

"Hello, Son."

"Dad, I've been trying to reach you. Let me guess, you left your phone at the hotel."

"Actually, no. I have it with me, but I turned it off," replied Harry with a wry smile.

"You what? Okay, Dad, what's going on? Did you talk to Sarah? How is she? Where is she?" 

"Son, give me a chance to speak. By the way, you're on the speaker. Sarah is here with me as well as Adm. Chegwidden and Cmdr. Rabb," smiled Harry as he imagined his son's reaction.

"Oh. Dirty trick, Dad," said Chase, laughing. Father and son obviously got along well. "Hello, Sarah. I'm sorry for your loss. My mother passed away suddenly four years ago so I know how you must feel right now."

Mac and the others quickly looked at Harrison MacLain at that news. Harry wore a clouded expression at the mention of his wife's passing. "Thank you, Chase."

"You're welcome, Sarah. I'm looking forward to meeting you. I know all of this must be a shock to you, but when you've had time to get used to the idea of having a brother, I would love for us to get together. That way, I can tell you all the little things about our father that he hasn't told you," Chase added with a smile.

Harry chuckled and said to his son, "I think you should hang up now."

"See, Sarah, he's trying to rush me off the phone. Dad, I'm talking to my sister, if you don't mind.

"Sarah, the things I could tell you. I'm sure he's tried to make a good impression, but don't you believe it. Lawyers! Never trust a lawyer! Oh, I forgot…you're a lawyer. Oh well, I won't hold that against you," Chase said laughing.

Mac laughed in spite of herself. Her brother had a good sense of humor.

"Honestly, the best woman I ever knew was a lawyer, my mother. But let me tell, our Dad, he's a different story. He's a hard man, Sarah. Do you know that when I was growing up, he made me work. I mean, when other children were out playing ball, hanging out, going to summer camp, he made me work! And then he had the nerve to expect me to follow in his footsteps. Can you believe that? Me, a lawyer?"

Mac smiled and the others laughed while Harry just smiled and shook his head at his son's antics. He loved his son and appreciated his attempt to put Sarah at ease.

"Since you're not a lawyer, what do you do, Chase?" asked Mac.

"Well, after working so hard as a 'child', I vowed that I would make an easy living when I grew up… I'm a plastic surgeon," he said proudly. "No way was I going to law school."

Harry laughed and told his son, "Son, you've been on the phone for six minutes and 36 seconds and all you've done is complain. I'm hanging up now."

"Oh, and Sarah! Dad has this annoying habit of always knowing what time it is. He'll drive you crazy with that!"

Adm. Chegwidden and Harm laughed while Mac looked on her Dad at that new revelation.

"Well, if there was ever any doubt, it just flew out the window," said Harm.

"What do you mean?" asked Harry.

"Mac has perfect timing." 

"That's what I just said," said Chase a bit quizzically.

"No, I mean my Mac, Sarah."

"You're kidding me! And you call her Mac, too?"

Harry beamed at his daughter. Mac smiled and told him, "Actually, it was six minutes and 52 seconds."

Harry laughed and said, "No, I'm pretty sure it was 36 seconds."

"52 seconds from the time PO Coates relayed that he was on the line. But 38 seconds from the time he first spoke," said Mac.

"Are you sure about that, because…" began Harry before Chase interrupted.

"Please, someone stop them."

"You have to forgive Chase, Sarah. You're talking to a kid who didn't learn to count until he was seven," teased Harry. "He refused to learn because he didn't want to go to school and leave his mother."

"Dad!"

"Oh, alright. And I won't tell her that you didn't start school until you were seven, either."

"Okay, now I'm hanging up. I'll get my turn, though. Just wait until I get Sarah alone."

"Bye, son," said Harry, shaking his head.

"Bye, all."

When Chase left the line, AJ disconnected. "He's really a plastic surgeon?" asked AJ.

Harry chuckled at AJ's look of disbelief and said, "Yes, he is. Chase specializes in pediatric reconstructive surgery. He's done well; fast becoming one of the top in his field worldwide. He's no lawyer, but he'll do," said Harry. Everyone could see that he was proud of his son."

"Well, Sarah, we should get going," Harry said, lightly placing his arm around her shoulder. "I'll take you home."

****

The End, Chapter 3


	4. Facing The Past

****

Title: I Have Missed You

****

Author: DayDreamer

****

Email: elizden@knology.net

****

Rating: G

****

Summary: Mac receives an unexpected visitor that changes her life forever and also changes Harm's perception of a past relationship.

Chapter 4: Facing The Past

****

10:30 hours

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, VA

Harm, Mac, and Harrison MacLain went to Mac's office. Curious glances from others in the office quickly turned to concern since it was obvious that the Colonel had been crying. When PO Coates and Lt. Sims would have asked if everything were okay, Harm waved them off with a slight shake of the head. 

As she gathered her things from her desk, Mac told Harm, "The Anderson and Houston cases are all that I have open right now. Everything should be in the files here."

She looked a little lost as she tried to think of anything else he might need to know, so Harm quickly assured her that he had everything he needed. 

"I'm sure everything is here, Mac. I'll call you if I need anything else. Go ahead and go."

Nodding her thanks, she and MacLain left for the elevator.

"Oh, good morning, Ma'am. Can we go over the Anderson case when you get…" began Bud.

"I have it here, Lieutenant," Harm interrupted. "The Colonel will be gone for a few days. I'm taking the Anderson court martial from here."

"Oh, okay," said Bud, a little bewildered.

"Come into my office, Bud. I'll see you later, Mac," Harm said by way of ending the conversation and Mac and her father continued to the elevator.

"Is everything okay, sir?"

"No, Bud. Mac just learned that her mother died in a car accident in Los Angeles."

"Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that. Is the Colonel going to be okay?"

"I think so. She's going to L.A., I'm not sure when she's leaving."

Harriet knocked on the door to get their attention and stepped in, "Is everything okay with the Colonel, sir?"

Bud answered for Harm, "No sweetie, the Colonel just learned that her mother was killed in a car accident in L.A."

"Oh no!" said Harriet, putting her hand over her heart. "That's awful. Is she going to be okay? Maybe someone should go be with her."

"She's won't be alone, Harriet," Harm replied. 

"I saw her leave just now. Who was the gentleman with her, sir?" she asked.

"Harrison MacLain. He was injured in the same accident and he and Mac's mother were transported to the same emergency room. She died shortly after they brought her in. He was with her when she died; they talked. He came here because he wanted to tell Mac in person."

"I am so sorry for the Colonel," Harriet said as Bud put his arm around her shoulder.

"Harriet and I will give her a call later. Do you think she's leaving right away?"

"No, probably not today. They have already had the funeral." Harm shook his head to stave off further questions and told them, "It's complicated. Mac's mother wanted someone to contact her daughter in person, not call. So it took a while for MacLain to track Mac down. She'll probably leave for L.A. tomorrow or the next day."

"Okay, sir. If you talk to her, will you let her know that we're thinking about her?" asked Harriet.

"I will Harriet. I know she'll appreciate that."

Harm asked But and Harriet to close the door as they were leaving. He wanted to think about all that MacLain had told them, but he had to prepare for a deposition. He planned to check on Mac after work.

Adm. Chegwidden called Petty Officer Coates into his office. The PO took over the job of being his Yeoman when Tiner left for OCS. He told his Yeoman the news and asked her to pick up a sympathy card that the staff could sign. 

"Yes, sir. Should we order flowers, sir?" Coates asked after expressing her sympathy. Col. MacKenzie had gone out of her way to make her transition to JAG headquarters painless and made her feel at home. She felt bad for the Colonel and wanted to know if there was anything else she could do. 

"No, I don't think there's anything else we can do right now. And we'll hold off on flowers since the Colonel will be travelling to Los Angeles and the flowers would be left unattended. Maybe you can get a plant for her office and water it in her absence."

"Yes, sir, that's a good idea. Will there be anything else, Admiral?"

"No, that's all, Coates, thank you."

"You're welcome, sir."

At the elevator, the door opened just as Judge Amy Helfman walked up. "Good morning, Colonel," she said as they entered the elevator.

"Good morning, Ma'am," Mac said in a distracted voice.

On a closer look, Judge Helfman noted the Colonel's distressed appearance and saw that she had obviously been crying. She looked to the gentleman standing with Mac and he said quietly, "Good morning."

"Oh, Dad, wait," said Mac, putting her hand out to hold the elevator door open. "I forgot to give Harm the other folder. I have it here in my briefcase. I... I should take it to him." She began fumbling to open her briefcase and Harry helped her. 

Judge Helfman looked at MacLain just as he was about to apologize for holding her up. His expression confirmed her assessment that the Colonel was upset. 

"Colonel, I just realized that I need to talk to Adm. Chegwidden. I can drop the folder off with the Commander if you like," she offered.

Harry silently thanked Jdg. Helfman with his eyes, and Mac said, "Oh…, thank you Ma'am but the case..."

"Colonel, if it's a case file, I shouldn't hear what the contents are. And on second thought, I will place the documents in Adm. Chegwidden's hands only, unopened."

"Thank you, ma'am."

"You're welcome," said Helfman. Harry held the elevator door open for her and they shared a silent look of understanding as she left.

Jdg. Helfman knocked on the Admiral's door since his yeoman was away from the desk.

"Enter."

"Admiral, good morning."

"Judge Helfman, good morning," said AJ standing. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, Admiral. I ran into Col. MacKenzie in the elevator and she wanted to give this folder to Cmdr. Rabb. And, sir, let me state for the record that I neither opened the folder nor am I aware of its contents."

"So noted."

"Admiral, the Colonel seemed upset. Is everything okay?"

"I'm afraid not. Please, have a seat,'' said AJ as he walked over and closed the door.

"Mac was just informed that her mother died in a car accident in Los Angeles."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. When did it happen?"

"Four weeks ago."

"Four weeks? Where they not able to contact the Colonel?"

"Yes, and no. It was a bit complicated."

"Oh. Well, I'm glad her father is with her."

AJ smiled and asked, "How did you know he was her father?"

"She called him Dad. But come to think of it, didn't the Colonel's father pass away a few years ago?"

"Yes, he did," said AJ with a wry grin.

"It really is complicated, isn't it?" asked Jdg. Helfman at his expression.

"But as it turns out, in a good way," said AJ as he sat in the other chair across from the judge in front of his desk.

"His name is Harrison MacLain. He and Mac's mother were in the same interstate accident. He suffered minor injuries, but Mac's mother was not as fortunate. They were taken to the same hospital and MacLain talked with Deanna MacKenzie before she died. Talk about fate.

"It turns out that Ms. MacKenzie was on her way to see MacLain when the accident happened. He was on his way to his office to meet his 10:00 appointment."

"Ms. MacKenzie was his 10:00 appointment?"

"Yes," said AJ nodding his head. " MacLain had no idea the woman in the accident was his 10:00 appointment until he overheard her asking for him. She was very bad off and the doctor's couldn't do anything more for her, and she was insisting on leaving so that she could meet with Harrison MacLain. He convinced the doctor to let him talk to her hoping to calm her down. He knew that she wasn't expected to make it. Well, when he sat with her and convinced her that he really was MacLain, she had a story to tell him."

AJ went on to tell Judge Helfman most of what MacLain had told Mac in his office. He didn't go into detail about Mac's childhood, but he did tell her about Mac's mother leaving when Mac was a teenager and that they hadn't kept in touch in the ensuing years.

"My goodness, that is something. Well, from the fact that she calls him Dad, I take it she received that part of the news well?"

"Yes, I'm happy to say. I don't think she was ready to hear him say it, but she braved it out and asked him herself. It was something, really, to watch them. I think there was a bonding between them from the very beginning. 

"MacLain had pictures of Mac's cousin Diane and of her grandmother. Mac and her cousin look like identical twins, and they both are spitting images of their grandmother. Unfortunately, Diane was killed a few years back. Cmdr. Rabb and she were involved at the time; he later worked the case until he found out who murdered her."

"You're kidding me? How did he take Col. MacKenzie and his former girlfriend looking so much alike?"

"I really don't know. I was there when he first met the Colonel and by his reaction he was obviously shocked, but other than that occasion, he never mentioned the similarity. And I tell you, I looked at that picture of Lt. Diane Schonke and I would have said I was holding a picture of the Colonel, if Lt. Schonke had not been in Navy blues."

The Admiral and Judge Helfman spoke for a while longer and she left after telling the him that she would see that the Colonel wasn't called as a Judge for the next two weeks.

****

14:30 hours

Mac's apartment

Mac leaned back against her sofa, resting her head. Her father had offered to stay for a while and they had been talking for hours. Harry did most of the talking, telling her about himself. Mac asked about his wife and listened as he told her about their meeting and their years together. She learned that Mattie MacLain had died of a rapid onset staph infection. Harry was in Tokyo when he received the call that she had been rushed to the hospital. When he left L.A. his wife had been home with what they thought was the beginning of the flu. Four days later she was dead. Harry's flight did not make in until two hours after she died and it had taken him another hour and a half to reach the hospital. Mac held her Dad's hand as she heard the pain in his voice. 

They had a late lunch and were sitting quietly together when Harry encouraged Mac to talk to him even though it was clear that she didn't want to. His daughter was a lot like him in that she kept things to herself, always believing she could handle everything on her own. But Harry knew that she needed to talk now before she let the pain of her loss coupled with the guilt she undoubtedly felt become a terrible burden. 

"Honey, tell me what you're feeling."

"I don't know, Dad." Sighing, she continued, "My mother is gone and I… I don't know what… I don't know what to feel."

"It's okay, sweetheart. There are no rules about how you should feel."

"Yes, there are," she said, turning to him. "I should feel a loss, I should mourn, but instead I…"

"What is it, Sarah? Are you angry?"

"No, I'm not angry. I'm just so…" Mac shook her head, trying to stem the flow of tears that she couldn't seem to control. "I don't know why I'm crying so much."

Harry went to hug Mac, but she waved him off, "No, Dad, don't." She stood and walked to the window, looking out but not really seeing anything. Harry went and stood beside her. Sarah didn't want to be comforted and he understood why.

Staring out the window, Mac began to speak, "I was angry with her for so long. She left me. And she never looked back. Do you know what that's like, to have your mother just walk out on you? I spent the rest of my teenage years and most of my adult life believing she never loved me and trying to convince myself that it didn't matter. I didn't become a drunk because my father was an alcoholic. I just couldn't deal with her leaving. And I blamed him for everything. He tried to be a good parent after she left, but I wouldn't forgive him for his abuse and driving her away. It wasn't fair; it was her choice to leave me behind."

"But you forgave her, didn't you?"

Turning to her father she said, "Yes, I did. After Dad died, I just didn't want to carry that pain and anger anymore. And I finally had to admit to myself that for the first five years after she left, I was the one responsible for making a mess of my life. There was a lot that happened, Dad; things that I'm not proud of."

"Do you want to talk about them?"

"No, not now." Turning back to gaze out the window, Mac continued, " I never told her that I forgave her; I didn't try to reach her. I… I don't think I was ready to see her again yet. But I never…" crying softly she looked up at him. "I never meant for her to die thinking I didn't want to see her again. That's why she wouldn't let them contact me, isn't it? She thought I wouldn't want to see her."

"Honey, I believe your mother thought she was doing what was best for you. She never said that her daughter didn't want to see her and she wasn't trying to shut you out. Do you know why she made an appointment to see me? She wanted me to know that I had a daughter. But Deanna told me that if I didn't want to know you, she didn't want you to know about me. So she came to me first. Your mother didn't want to take the chance that I might reject you if you came looking for me.

"Sarah, you want to believe you're not mourning her death, but you are. Honey, look at me," he said in a quietly authoritative voice. "You don't want sympathy because you feel guilty. So, let me say this and get it out of the way. You were wrong for not making an attempt to mend your relationship with your mother. Good or bad, she was still your mother. You're not responsible for the things she did, not responsible for her leaving, not responsible for her not coming back. That lies solely with her. But you are responsible for your actions, and the way you felt."

"I know. How do I live with that, Dad?"

"You have to forgive yourself. We make mistakes, baby, and the best we can do is try not to make the same mistakes twice.

"Did you love your mother, Sarah?"

"Yes," she said crying and falling into her Dad's arms. 

"I know, baby. And she loved you."

****

1800 hours

Harm's apartment

North of Union Station

'Mac, it's Harm. I was just calling to check on you. I'll try you later…'

"Harm, I'm here," said Mac into the phone.

"Hey, I just got in. How are you?"

"I'm fine. Dad just left."

"Good, I was hoping he would stay with you. So, did you two get to talk much?"

"Yea, yea we did."

"Mac, you don't sound fine; feel like some company?"

"No, I… I think I just need some time to myself for a while."

"Okay, but call me, Mac, if you want to talk."

"I will. Thanks, Harm."

"I'll talk to you later. Bye."

"Bye."

After hanging up with Mac, Harm laid back against his pillow, still in uniform. The day had taken it's toll. He was both sad and happy for Mac. He believed she would eventually be okay and that she and her father would become close. They already were. Mac called him Dad, accepting him right away; and Harrison MacLain obviously wanted to be a part of his daughter's life. Yes, he was happy for Mac. So why the turmoil? He summed it up in one word. Diane.

In all these years, he had not once entertained the thought that Mac and Diane could be related. It should have been natural to imagine a relationship there, but it never occurred to him. The first few months after Mac came to headquarters, old memories and the pain of Diane's death haunted him. He remembered how often he would look at Mac and imagine what Diane would be doing with her life if she had lived. Of course, he always imagined that life including him. It had been several years since her death, but his feeling for her were still strong. Seeing Mac brought back a lot of emotions.

But the strange thing was, he never confused Mac with Diane, except once; that night on the peer in Norfolk. He couldn't really explain it; it was just… closure of a sort. But no, after their initial meeting he knew Mac was Mac. She and Diane were so different. I guess that's why it never occurred to him that they might be related. And later on…about a year after he met Mac, he found himself not thinking of Diane at all, but of Mac. And that had scared him; and confused him. He didn't want to let go of Diane so he kept an emotional distance between he and Mac even as they became good friends.

Giving a deep sigh, Harm undressed and went to take a shower. Later, he stood under the strong spray of the shower head letting the water massage his tense shoulders. He couldn't get Diane off his mind. Because of Harry's revelations, he had been thinking of their relationship all day. At work, he had been too busy to give his mind over to completely analyzing his feelings, but now he couldn't keep the thoughts at bay. And the same doubt kept asserting itself.

****

20:00 hours 

The next evening

North of Union Station

Mac pulled up to Harms building and sat for a few minutes. This wasn't a good idea; Harm was the last person she should talk to about this. But she had found herself driving to his apartment in spite of her misgivings.

Harm grabbed his keys and opened his door. He almost ran into Mac who was just raising her hand to knock.

"Mac! Hey, come on in."

"Hey," said Mac as he stepped aside to let her in. Turning back to him she said, "You were going out; I can come back…"

"No, that's okay," Harm said. "I was just on my way to see you. Come on, have a seat."

They went into the living area and sat. Mac was quiet and Harm attempted to put her at ease. "Big day, yesterday."

"Yes, it was," said Mac with a quick look at Him. She looked away again and Harm could tell there was something on her mind.

"Mac, are you alright? No, I mean it," he said when she would have said yes. "Are you really okay?"

"I'm okay, really."

"How are things with you and your Dad?"

"Great," she said with a quick smile that faded.

"Mac, talk to me. Something is bothering you."

"It's nothing, really." Standing to leave, she said, " Uh, look, this was a bad idea. Nothing's wrong."

"Mac, wait, something is wrong. Come on, talk to me. What is it?"

"It's just that… Dad is looking forward to me going back to L.A. with him tomorrow." Turning away she slowly paced the floor. "I'm not sure I want to leave with him."

"Oh." Going over to her, Harm continued, " Mac, if you're worried about visiting your mother's grave, I'll go with you." 

She looked up at him surprised, and thankful. She gave him a watery smile, but said, "I'm okay with that. Thanks for offering." 

"Then what is it? Here, sit down. Why don't you want to go back with Harry?"

"It's a lot to take, finding out I have a whole new family."

"I'm sure it'll be okay, Mac. Your father said that they all want to meet and get to know you."

"Yea, so they say."

"You don't believe that? Why not?"

Mac looked at him silently, then looked away not wanting to say what was on her mind.

"Tell me. What is it?"

Holding his gaze, she said, "I don't imagine it will be easy for them to see me."

"What do you mean…" but then he realized what she meant. Mac saw the look of understanding on his face and continued.

"Eight years ago it wasn't easy for you."

"Mac…" Harm said shaking his head. "It will be okay. I'm sure they just want to meet Harry's daughter."

"I'm not so sure of that."

"Then talk to Harry. I know he'll understand if you want to put off meeting the rest of his family for a while."

"No, Harm, I would feel badly if I did that. I can't go to L.A. and not see them. Diane's parents live within 50 miles of Dad, and Chase lives in the family home with him. He moved in after his mother passed away. They're all very close."

"Mac, your Dad will understand."

"Diane was like a daughter to him, Harm; a sister to Chase, and her parents' only child. I just feel like… what if they're all expecting me to be a substitute for Diane?" she said, looking up at him imploringly.

"Mac…" he said, taking her hand. "I can't speak for the rest of his family, but from what I saw of Harrison MacLain, he is not seeing you as a substitute for his niece. And yes, I saw that he clearly loved her. But more importantly, I saw a man who came all this way because he wanted to know his daughter. He wants to know you, Mac, not try to mold you into Diane."

Mac wanted to believe him. But she still remembered his reaction when her Dad had given him Diane's picture. 

"Yesterday wasn't easy for you either, was it?"

Harm looked at her but said nothing for a moment. Then he looked away, and standing he turned slightly away from her saying, "I was okay, Mac." 

"Harm, I saw your face while Dad talked of Diane. You weren't okay knowing that she and I were cousins."

Turning swiftly back to face her, Harm said, "Mac no, that wasn't it. I didn't have a problem with you and Diane being related."

"Harm…"

"No, Mac, I didn't; I don't. Believe me." 

"Then what was it?"

Harm started to speak, but stopped. He looked over at Mac with an apologetic expression and said, "It's nothing, Mac. Besides, you have enough to deal with. I think you should talk to Harry and let him know what you're feeling, don't you?"

He was attempting to take the focus off of himself and Mac looked away, disappointed.

"I'd better go," she said as she stood, turning from him to get her keys. "Thanks, for letting me sound things out." She gave him a sad smile before walking toward the door.

"Hey, wait. Are you going to fly to L.A. with Harry tomorrow?" he asked with a hand on her arm to stop her.

"I don't know. I'll let you know what I decide."

Harm sensed that Mac was upset now in a different way, and he knew he was to blame. He didn't want to get into his feeling about Diane, but he could see that Mac was misunderstanding his reasons. She thought that he still didn't want to let go of Diane even today. They were about to take a step backwards in their friendship and he didn't want that to happen, not now.

"Mac, wait."

He slowly walked away from the door, running his hand through the back of his hair before turning to face her. "This isn't easy for me to talk about."

"Harm, you don't have to explain. I understand," she said, not moving away from the door. "I'll talk to you later." 

As Mac opened the door, Harm quietly said, "I don't think Diane was in love with me."

Mac turned back, her face showing her surprise at his statement. She didn't expect him to say anything like that. They stood looking at each other letting his comment sink in. It was the first time Harm had said it even to himself, and Mac, looking at him, knew he was serious. Harm turned away and sat on one of his barstools. Mac closed the door and went over and sat on the other one, facing him.

"Why would you think that, Harm?"

He looked at her, gave a slight smile and looked down again. He was absently tracing a pattern on the counter with his finger.

"Did I ever tell you that the night Diane was murdered she was on her way to see me?"

"No, you didn't."

"I know." He paused, collecting his thoughts before going on. "I didn't find it easy to talk about that night. We were going to spend the weekend together. Mac," he said, looking at her again. "I was in love with Diane, and… I thought that we might get married."

"You, you wanted to marry her?" 

"Yea. We hadn't discussed it, but I thought we were headed in that direction. I planned to talk to her about things that weekend. She didn't make it."

"Harm, I'm sorry. Why didn't you ever tell me this before?"

"I don't know, Mac."

"Was it because I look like her?"

Looking up at her, he said, "No, that had nothing to do with it. But I know for a while you thought that I say Diane whenever I looked at you. And trying to convince you otherwise would have meant I would have to open old wounds. So, I didn't say anything."

"I understand. But why do you think she wasn't in love with you now? You didn't always think that."

"I don't know. Maybe I did." Taking a deep breath, Harm told Mac about his doubts back then. "You know how you can be so sure of something, but then there's just that small, persistant doubt. Instinct or plain old insecurity, I don't know; but, it was there. I guess… I guess I had planned on having that weekend together to lay to rest any doubt that I had. Doubt about whether or not Diane loved me as much as I loved her. I wasn't sure.

"We had a good relationship. And I know she loved me. But, you know, was it the kind of love that makes you want to spend the rest of your life with someone?"

"Yea, I know," said Mac looking down at her hands. Mic had wondered the same thing about her love for him.

"I don't know what to say, Harm," reaching over to rub his arm. 

"And I never knew what to think. Until now."

"Why now?"

"The things that Harry told us about Diane? Her cousin who was like a brother, her mother called her 'Annie', her imaginary friend named Sarah, she kept a diary, her uncle who was like a second Dad. All of that was news to me, Mac. Diane was close to her family, but she never talked about them with me. When I went to her funeral, I had the feeling that they didn't know Diane and I had been serious. I pushed the thought aside, thinking they were dealing with their grief. And it wasn't like I had put a ring on her finger, so there really wasn't anything they should have known. I didn't stay long."

"Harm, maybe she just wasn't the type to talk about her family. Maybe she planned to introduce you to them instead, when the time was right. It doesn't mean she wasn't in love with you, Harm."

"Thanks, Mac." He lightly beat a drum pattern on the counter before he straightened and turned to her. "But, I was just a boyfriend, Mac. Not a future fiancé."

"Harm…"

"It's okay, really. I'm not upset and I don't blame Diane. Not knowing for sure, the way she died, it wasn't easy letting go."

Mac wanted to ask him if he was able to let go now, but she refrained.

"Mac, there's something else I want to talk about."

"What is it?"

It has become dark in the apartment with only the moonlight from the window lighting the counter area. But they stayed where they sat, neither reaching to turn on the lights. They could see each other clearly because they were sitting close.

"That night on the peer in Norfolk when I tracked down Diane's killer."

He looked in her eyes and saw that she knew he was referring to the kiss.

"Harm, you don't have to explain that. I understood."

"I know you did, but…"

"But, what?" asked Mac.

"That moment has been between us. I think you believed that I saw Diane in you for a long time. And I want to clear that up. Mac, do you know that all this time it never occurred to me that you and Diane might be related? I never thought about it because I always saw you as you. I'll rephrase," at her look. "Except for the first time I met you and that night on the peer, I never imagined you as Diane. 

"When you first came to headquarters, seeing you brought back a lot of memories. Memories that I couldn't bury. And at the time, Diane's case was still unsolved. Seeing you reminded me that there was no closure. But that was a good thing. It was seeing you everyday that gave me the drive to pick up her case again and not stop until I caught her killer. I suspected the XO from the beginning, but I had no proof. It was just a matter of time, and when that time came, you where there.

"You have always been a good friend, Mac, and I appreciate that."

"You've always been there for me too, Harm."

"And I'm here for you now. So, I want you to trust me and do something for me. Mac, I think what has happened here, you finding out about your father, is a wonderful thing for you. You need him, and he loves you. 

"As for Diane's parents, they're your aunt and uncle. It may be a bit awkward at first, I think you'll find that they'll love you for you. And your brother sounds like a nice guy. Don't put off meeting your family out of fear. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Go to L.A. with your father tomorrow, okay?"

"I want to go. And Dad's been wonderful."

"So go. You won't regret it."

"Okay, I will."

Harm smiled at her and they stood. 

"Well, I'd better go; it's getting late. Thanks," Mac said, giving him a peaceful smile as they walked to the door.

"For what?"

"For not letting me down. For telling me what I needed to hear."

"You did the same for me."

They stood looking at each other for a moment. Then Harm reached down and pulled her into his arms for a hug. They didn't pull apart right away, and when they did they held hands for a moment.

"Goodnight, Harm."

"Good night, Mac. Call me before you leave tomorrow."

"I will."

****

The End, Chapter 4


	5. Love and Need

****

Title: I Have Missed You

****

Author: DayDreamer

****

Email: elizden@knology.net

****

Rating: G

Summary: Mac receives an unexpected visitor that changes her life forever and also changes Harm's perception of a past relationship.

****

Chapter 5: Love and Need

2200 hours

Four Seasons Hotel

Washington, D.C.

Harrison MacLain opened his hotel door at the knock and was surprised to see Commander Rabb.

"Harm."

"I'm sorry it's so late, I hope I didn't wake you," said Harm, noting the pajamas and robe.

"No, come in. I was just talking to my son."

"Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt."

"It's quite alright, I was just about to hang up. Have a seat; I'll just be a minute."

As MacLain finished the call with his son, Harm looked around the hotel suite. It was very nice. He had forgotten just who Harrison MacLain was. Being the head of one of the top law firms in the country had its rewards. He walked into the sitting area to the left of the entrance and sat in one of the wingback chairs to wait for MacLain; the sitting area itself was the size of a large hotel room with a small conference table and other business necessities.

"May I get you something to drink," offered Harry as he joined Harm.

"No, thanks."

"So what brings you out tonight?" asked Harry as he took a seat opposite Harm.  


"Well, it's… I wanted to talk to you about Mac."

"Is something wrong?" asked Harry, immediately concerned.

"No, no not really. It's just that... it's just that she's a little nervous about meeting the rest of your family," said Harm.

"Yes, I could tell. Sarah doesn't have anything to worry about. They really do want to know her."

Harm paused a moment then said, "I think that's what she's not sure about. She's afraid that they may be expecting someone like Diane; that they may see her as a sort of fill-in for Diane."

"Ooh," said Harry, understanding him now.

"Did she tell you that, Harm?" asked Harry. He was clearly troubled that Mac was worried.

"Yes, she did, a couple of hours ago. I feel like I'm betraying her confidence, but I thought you should know. I don't want this to be a bad experience for Mac. Maybe she can meet everyone else at a later time?"

Harry regarded Harm in silence for a moment before he spoke. "I hate that Sarah is worried, but I can understand. The truth is, I was worried myself when I first told my sister and brother-in-law about Sarah. Diane was their only child and to tell them that I had a daughter that looked so much like Diane… well, it wasn't easy. But they handled it really well. Harm, they're not looking for Sarah to take Diane's place. They simply want to meet my daughter.

"They've had time to get used to the similarity between the two. Where we see them looking almost exactly alike, Abbie is quick to point out the differences. Diane was her daughter; she would notice the little things. But I have talked to them, my son as well. They've all promised not to overdue it. And I'm a jealous father; I'll probably keep her all to myself for a few days," he added, laughing.

"I do wish Sarah had told me what was on her mind, though."

"She might have, sir. I'm probably jumping the gun. I guess I feel somewhat responsible for her apprehension," said Harm apologetically.

"How's that?" 

"Well," said Harm, briefly looking down, "when I first met Mac, I was shocked to say the least. I suppose she's probably remembering my reaction and thinks Diane's parents will have a similar response. And I know Mac, she won't want to cause them pain."

"I see. But you were caught off guard, Harm. Abbie and Sam know what to expect."

"You're right. I should have reminded her of that."

"Don't worry about it. I'll talk to Sarah tomorrow." 

Harry watched Harm a moment then said, "You care a great deal about her, don't you?"

Harm looked up meeting Harry's eyes. "Yes, I do."

"As much as you cared about Diane?"

Harm froze, not expecting that question. He didn't want to answer; instead, he returned Harry's look but didn't comment. He had been in turmoil over Diane since Harry first revealed that she was Mac's cousin. 

Harry read the indecision in his expression and thought to drop the subject, but something in the Commander's eyes suggested that he wanted to talk.

"You were in love with Diane, weren't you?"

Harm swallowed and looked away. He didn't want to get into this. "Yes. How did you know?" Unconsciously holding his breath, Harm waited for Harry's answer.

"Diane told me."

Harm looked back at Harry, releasing his breath. He didn't' realize the relief showed on his face. He began to think that maybe his doubts had been without merit, but in the next moment his lawyer's instinct for attention to detail kicked in. He noted Harry's quiet expression. It was funny how he had learned to read this man so quickly. Harry had not said that Diane was in love with him, just that Diane had told him that Harm was in love with her.

"When did she tell you that?"

"I talked to her on the phone before Chase left to go skiing with her. We talked for a while."

Harm held Harry's gaze and asked his next question. "What else did she say?"

"It's not impo.."

"Harry," said Harm, quietly. "Tell me."

"Why do you need to know what Diane and I talked about?"

Instead of answering, Harm said, "She told you that she wasn't in love with me, didn't she?"

Harry looked down, then sighed and said, "I'm sorry, Harm."

Harm nodded his head slightly, then said, "It's okay. I… think I knew that."

"Diane did love you, but she told me that she thought you were maybe more serious at that point in your relationship than she was. I told her it was a good idea to find out soon. She planned to talk to you after her ski trip."

Harm stood and turned slightly away, his hand in his back pocket. He turned back to Harry and told him, "We never had that talk." He took his seat again and leaning back stretched his legs. 

"She was murdered before you had a chance to talk?"

"Yes. I never told you; Diane was leaving the ship that night on her way to meet me."

"I'm sorry, Harm."

"Yea. I guess we were going to have that talk then. Surprisingly, it was the same talk I had in mind."

"But hoping for a different outcome?"

"Yes," said Harm, looking across at Harry. He didn't know why he could talk to Mac's father about Diane. He had never talked to anyone about this, except Mac just hours before.

"It happens sometimes, son."

"It didn't for you. You met the love of your life and had 30 years of marriage with her."

"Yes, and the time was still too short. It should have been at least 60 years."

Harm lightly shook his head. "I've been… so stupid, crazy."

"Why, for loving Diane?"

"No. For needing all of the answers before I could move on. I was afraid that Diane was not as serious as I was, and it… I couldn't let go. All this time I haven't' been able to become too serious with anyone. I guess I needed closure."

"And do you have closure now?"

"Yes. I talked about it with Mac earlier."

Harry watched Harm closely then decided to ask him, "Now that you have closure, what do you plan to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Your relationship with other women."

Harm looked down and said, "I'm not involved with anyone right now."

"Aren't you?"

"You're referring to me and Mac."

"How serious are you about Sarah, Harm?"

Harm hadn't had this talk with Mac so he was reluctant to delve into the topic with her father. But he found himself telling Harrison MacLain things he wouldn't have told anyone else. Maybe he needed to talk about it.

"It's complicated, Harry."

"Okay. Let me ask the simplest question and we can go from there. Are you in love with my daughter?"

Harm looked into Harry's forthright expression and knew that he couldn't do anything but tell him the truth.

"I love Sarah MacKenzie with everything in me. Yes, I'm in love with your daughter."

"Okay, then," said Harry with a satisfied smile. 

Harm grinned, too, and shook his head at the smile on Harrison MacLain's face. He liked Mac's father, probably because he saw so much of Mac in him. And it did please him to know that her father approved of him. He had been afraid that Harry would not believe he loved Mac since he knew that he had been in love with Diane.

"So, tell me, what are the complications?" asked Harry.

****

1000 hours, Thursday

Webb residence

Washington, D.C.

The place was almost a mansion, thought Mac as she rang the bell. She didn't have to wait long before the butler answered.

"Good morning; may I help you?" 

"Good morning, my name is Sarah MacKenzie. Is Mr. Webb available?" asked Mac, thinking he was rather young for a butler.

"I will check. Please, come in. Make yourself comfortable," said the butler as he led Mac to the day room.

Mac looked around and was impressed. She knew that Webb's family had money, but she had trouble picturing Webb in this environment.

"Mr. Webb will see you, Ms. MacKenzie."

"We can talk in here, Robert. I would like for you to meet Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie," said Webb as he entered the room.

The butler raised his eyebrow at Webb before turning back to Mac. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Colonel."

"Thank you; you also."

"And Colonel, try to let him down easy," smiled the butler as he turned to Webb. Webb gave a slight roll of the eyes as he tried to ignore his mother's butler. Robert laughed; Webb couldn't help himself and grinned.

After the butler left, Clayton Webb walked to the sofa, still nursing a slight limp. Mac noted the brace still around his chest and on his left leg. He was also using a cane.

"Have a seat, Colonel."

"Oh, it's Colonel now. Is that what you do, Webb, marry them, love them and then leave them?" asked Mac, teasing him.

Clay looked slightly embarrassed and Mac felt immediately contrite for her choice of words.

"Clay, I didn't mean any…"

"I know, Mac." He gave her a slight smile, but couldn't hold her gaze. "Well, this is awkward, isn't it?"

"It doesn't have to be."

"You're right, it doesn't. Mind if we take a walk? I have to stretch this leg, part of my therapy."

Clay led them out the French doors and they slowly made their way to a long garden path. They had been walking for a short distance when Mac finally began to speak.

"You've been avoiding me, Clay. When I tried to see you in the hospital when you were finally flown home, I was told that you weren't allowed visitors. You weren't in critical condition; I checked to be sure. The next thing I know, you're released and sent home. I wasn't sure you would see me now; that's why I didn't call first."

"I know, you're right." Walking over to a bench and easing himself down, Clay motioned for Mac to join him.

"What gives, Clay? And don't apologize for Paraguay again. We were in that together and you weren't responsible for what went wrong. In fact, I'm the one who insisted on going in there after Gunny and got us captured."

"You do know I wouldn't have left him?"

"Yes, I do. You try to be the hard agent Clay, but your heart always gets in the way. But something has been on my mind. Why did you say that I was on my own when I wanted to go into that camp after Gunny? You didn't trust Hardy, did you?"

"No, and I still don't. The missiles were destroyed thanks to you and Harm, but I still don't know who the mole was. And I don't like the fact that Hardy managed to keep his nose so clean the whole time. He wanted out of his assignment and even told me that he would take part of the glory if the operation went well; said he would use it as his ticket out of there. But I think it was all an act. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay and get to the bottom of it."

"You think it's unfortunate that you're not still in South America?" asked an incredulous Mac.

"You know what I mean," said Clay, with a brief smile.

Mac smiled too, and then was silent. They were both stalling, avoiding the topic that was uppermost on both their minds. Finally, Clay looked over at her and took a deep sigh. 

"Mac, I said some things to you that has us both uncomfortable right now. I told you that I loved you, that I needed you." He held her gaze as he continued. 

"I'm not going to take it back now."

"Clay…" 

"Before you say anything, let me finish.

"I've never told you about my father, have I? No, of course not." Looking off into the distance, he continued. "My father never wanted me to join the agency. But he finally accepted that I would. He was my hero and I wanted to be just like him. My mother wasn't against me joining; she used to tell my dad that it was his fault. When I was a child, he and I would talk about his missions. He didn't' tell me specifics, but we would spend hours together with him explaining the way the world worked. I knew more about world governments and politics by the age of 12 than most political scholars. And he didn't' talk to me like I was a kid who couldn't keep a secret. He let me know the importance of not repeating the things we discussed and he trusted me. It was harder on us when I became a teenager, but we got through that too. 

"When I was older, maybe 24 years old, I asked him how did he deal with all of the deceit that his job entailed. How did he keep a right frame of reference when he had to live lies? We were in the family room, and he looked across the room at my mother and said, 'She's how.' Then he told me, 'Son, find that thing in life that keeps you grounded. It doesn't matter what or who it is. And when you find it, hold on tight, without apology'.

"I used to think that my mother was that 'thing' for him because he loved her. But, really, that wasn't it. She was 'it' because she reminded him who he was. I took my father's advice to heart, but last year I had to admit to myself that I had not found that thing or person that keeps me grounded. For so long I didn't need it because my job was everything to me." Sighing he said, "But, things began to change. It began to change when I realized I was in love with you." 

"It makes no sense and I'm not fooling myself into believing that there is going to be anything between us. But, Sarah, I don't apologize for how I feel. I know you don't feel the same way and I don't expect anything from you. I'll get over it. I guess for now I just need to believe that something in my life is normal."

"Unrequited love isn't the normalcy you need, Clay. And it could lead to heartache. Are you really in love with me, or do you just need to feel close to someone, someone other than your mother?" Mac asked. She was moved by his honesty and it reaffirmed her conviction that he was a spy with a soft heart.

"I said it didn't make sense," Clay replied.

He turned to Mac and said, "Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not in love with you. But it feels good, just the same."

Mac smiled at that, warmed by his confession, and Clay smiled with her. Looking down for a moment, he hesitated with what he was about to say next. Opening up to people wasn't easy for him since he had spent so many years perfecting how not to reveal himself.

"But, there is something I am sure about, Sarah. I said that I needed you. I do. I did a selfish thing taking you to Paraguay, but I didn't' think that it was a stupid move. You were qualified and I needed someone that I trusted implicitly; someone who couldn't be bought. I chose you with mixed feelings, I admit, but I needed a friend. 

"I was not myself anymore, second guessing my actions, not to mention I didn't trust anyone down there. I needed a friend and I needed someone that would put me back in the right frame of mind. You've done that for me at times, though you weren't aware of it."

Mac looked at Clay with new understanding. For the first time, she truly appreciated what it must be like to walk in his shoes. Normally, people bond with their coworkers or a small group of friends. Clay's life wasn't normal and he couldn't let people get close. He couldn't share with them the things that comprised his daily life. It had to be lonely for him.

"Clay, I am your friend, always. You can talk to me. You don't have to tell me things that I shouldn't know, but somehow we can communicate. You can't go on living such a solitary life."

"I know, I know I can't. But it isn't easy letting people in; it's not even safe."

"Then we'll just have to find a way to make it easy, as well as safe. We have to try."

"What do you have in mind, Superspy?" teased Clay.

"I don't know 'James'", grinned Mac. "You're the Secret Agent Man, you tell me."

Clay and Mac laughed, enjoying the moment.

"I'll work on it, okay."

"I'm going to hold you to that, Clay, so don't think you're just getting away with telling me what I want to hear."

"I'm not Sarah, believe me. I need this more than you do.

"So, how are things at JAG?"

"JAG is okay. But I… I received some disturbing news a couple of days ago."

"What was it?"

"My mother died. She was killed in a car accident in Los Angeles. I'm leaving today on a late afternoon flight to L.A."

"Sarah, I'm sorry. When did it happen?"

"Two weeks ago."

"Two weeks? Why weren't you contacted sooner?"

"It's a long story…"

"Well, you're catching a late flight and I'm not going anywhere," said Clay. "

****

The End, Chapter 5


	6. One Step Forward

****

Title: I Have Missed You

****

Author: DayDreamer

****

Email: elizden@knology.net

****

Rating: G

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Summary: Mac receives an unexpected visitor that changes her life forever and also changes Harm's perception of a past relationship.

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Chapter 6: One Step Forward…

1300 hours

Taste of America restaurant

Falls Church, Virginia

Harm arrived at the restaurant a little late but Mac hadn't arrived yet. She was on her way, so he ordered for the both of them. Stifling a yawn, he also ordered coffee. He was a little tired, lack of sleep. Harry and he had talked til almost midnight. Harry was a good listener and he was genuinely interested in Harm because he sensed that his daughter had strong feelings for him. They learned a lot about each other. Harm smiled to himself as he remembered Harry's words when he told him that he had resigned his commission to go to Paraguay looking for Mac. 

'Well, what else could a man do?' had been Harry's response.

Harm had laughed and replied, 'Luckily the Admiral didn't push my resignation through the channels right away.'

'Luck?' 

'Okay, he held it. I misjudged him.'

Harry had laughed and asked, "How so?'

'His hands were tied. He couldn't order me to go to Paraguay and he couldn't grant me leave knowing my intentions. But if I resigned my commission, how I spent my terminal leave was out of his hands.'

'So, he wanted you to go to Paraguay; he just couldn't tell you to go?'

'Yea.'

'Sounds like a smart man.'

'He is. And he's a good mentor and friend, to me and to Mac.'

'My daughter has said the same thing. I look forward to getting to know the Admiral.'

"Hey, sorry I'm late," said Mac as she sat down to lunch with Harm, snapping him back to the present.

"No problem, I just arrived. I ordered the Southwest salad for you."

"Thanks."

"So, have you finished packing?"

"No, I'm going home to pack after I leave here."

"What have you been doing all morning? You don't usually wait til the last minute." The waiter came at that moment with their lunch and Mac waited until he left before answering.

"I went to see Clay."

Harm paused midway to taking a drink of his tea, a closed expression coming over his face. 

"How is Webb?"

"He's doing remarkably well for a man who was just minutes away from death when Gunny made it to that hospital. He's still wearing a chest brace and one on his leg, but he expects to have them removed in a couple of weeks." Mac began to eat, hoping to change the subject. "This salad is always good."

Harm quietly ate, knowing that Mac didn't want to talk about Clay. Since their return, she had avoided his every attempt at conversation regarding her time in Paraguay; that is, unless it was strictly about the assignment. The first time he broached the subject of the kiss he had witnessed, she had flatly told him that she didn't want to talk about it. He had pressed the issue.

'So there is something to talk about?'

'No, there isn't. There's nothing going on between Clay and me. He's just a friend. Can we drop this?'

'Sure, Mac. But tell me, if there's nothing between you, why are you so defensive?'

'And why are you so interested?'

Harm hadn't immediately answered so Mac had shook her head and walked away. But he wasn't willing to let her drop the subject now. 

"So, did you and Webb have a nice talk?"

Mac looked up from her salad and saw the determined look on his face. "Harm, is that why you asked me to lunch, to talk about Webb?"

"No. I didn't know you had gone to see him."

"And that's a problem with you?"

"No, Mac, it isn't. What I'm having trouble with is you not wanting to talk about him."

"There..isn't..anything..to..talk..about, Harm. How many times do I have to say that?" Mac said going back to her salad.

"Oh, I don't know…maybe just one time that sounds believable," said Harm in an agitated voice.

Mac looked up at him and sat back in her chair, laying down her fork. "So now I'm a liar?"

"Mac…"

"Alright, Harm," she said as she placed her napkin on the table. "What is it you want to know exactly?"

Harm looked down at his salad then back at her. Speaking quietly, he said, "You kissed him."

"Yes. So."

Harm, too, placed his napkin on the table. He was no longer hungry.

"Webb's in love with you."

The flicker of Mac's eyes as she couldn't quite hold his gaze confirmed that she knew that as well.

"Did you know that when you went to Paraguay with him?"

"No. Did you know that when you came to Paraguay after me?"

"No, I didn't."

They sat looking at each other without comment for a few moments. Both had leaned forward in their seats, resting their folded arms on the table to avoid being overheard.

Without dropping her gaze, Harm quietly asked, "Why did you kiss him, Mac?"

"Does it really matter, Harm? We're.. just.. friends."

Harm looked down and answered her though it was obvious he didn't' like her reply, "Apparently not, Mac; apparently not. And for the record," he said pinning her with a sharp eye, "I consider Webb a friend also."

"Really? Then why don't you show a little more concern for your friend instead of drilling me about an inconsequential kiss? Have you gone to see him or tried to talk to him since he's been back?"

Harm looked away with a stubborn tilt to his head.

"That's what I thought."

Turning back to her in impatience, Harm responded, "You'll have to forgive me, Mac, if I don't find it quite as easy to forget that the man almost got you killed."

"And you will have to forgive me, Harm, if I don't find it easy to forget that the man willingly let himself be tortured to near death in order to make sure that I _wasn't _killed."

"He was responsible for you being in Paraguay and he put you in a dangerous situation. He should never have requested you for that assignment. He had agents he could have used."

"No, Harm. I was responsible for me being in Paraguay. I volunteered; no one made me go. And as for the danger, we're fighting a war against terrorism. No matter where we're called to go, there's going to be danger. It wouldn't have made any difference if an agent had gone instead of me. Don't you get that, or are you just doubting my ability to handle the job?"

"Mac, you know I don't doubt your abilities. Maybe I expected Webb to care more about putting you in danger."

"The entire situation was dangerous. It wasn't his fault. And how is it that you can sit in Adm. Chegwidden's office with Deputy Director Kershaw, listen to him discuss the situation with the Admiral and us, and still blame Webb. Kershaw all but praised Webb for bringing in the people that he did, including you although Webb didn't bring you in. He admitted the agency should have provided Clay with more backup. 

"Kershaw respects Webb and although he wasn't responsible for sending Clay to Suriname, he was responsible for sending him to Paraguay. And not as a punishment. He sent Webb because he knew Clay was a good agent and that he would find out what was going on down there. 

"And yea, I remember Kershaw offered you a job. And I'm not naïve enough to believe he paid the Admiral that visit just to say 'well done'. My point is, he doesn't blame Webb for what went wrong down there; why do you? Harm, you probably saved both our lives; but Clay kept me out of danger long before you showed up. I appreciate what he did."

"Alright, Mac. I know all that. I'm not saying the foul-up was his fault; only that you shouldn't have been there. And I'm well aware of just how appreciative you are."

Mac stiffened and looked at him sharply with indrawn breath. Harm looked back angrily without apology. Mac shook her head, never dropping his gaze.

"I'm tired of this, Harm."

"Tired of what, Mac?"

"This. Us. Every time we take one step forward, you find a reason to take two steps back."

"What are you talking about? I..."

Quietly she interrupted, "You expect me to go to him, don't you? That's what this is about."

"What! No, I don…"

"You said it yourself. 'The moment a man shows interest, I'm ready.'"

Harm could say nothing. He _had_ made that comment to Mac. He looked away, unable to meet her eyes.

"I've been thinking all along that you just couldn't let go of your past. But it's my past you have a problem with. I've been so blind, but I get it now, Harm; you don't trust me."

"That's nonsense. Of course I trust you."

"No, you don't; not when it comes to men. But I guess I can't blame you. Let me see, first there was my husband, then Col. Farrow, Dalton, and of course, Mic…"

"Stop it! Mac." 

"…almost made it to the altar that time. That must have really cemented your opinion of me."

"Stop it! When I made that comment, I was... I was afraid of losing you."

"Maybe. But you meant it nevertheless. If you were so afraid of losing me, you could have done something about that. You didn't want to."

"Wait just a minute! You aren't telling me you blame me for your having agreed to marry Brumby, are you? Because the last time I checked, only you could have said yes to that."

Mac gave a brief, sad smile before replying. "No Harm, I'm not blaming you. I have regrets about those relationships, but I was involved with those men because I cared about them. I wasn't afraid to take a chance on loving someone."

"And how is a man to know it will last, Mac?" Harm asked, and immediately regretted it. 

Mac flinched as if he had slapped her. She stood quickly to leave, and Harm followed her up, attempting to apologize.

"Mac, I didn't mean that…"

But she was walking away. Harm hurriedly paid for the meal and followed her out. She was almost to her car when he caught up with her.

"Mac, wait."

She stopped and turned back to him as he came up to her. Without preamble she said, "How is a woman supposed to know she's not just a temporary diversion, Harm, while you wait for the perfect one to come along?"

"Mac…"

"Harm, just forget it. Let's just stop this before either one of us says something more that we'll regret. You're off the hook, okay?" she said as she got in and closed the door to her car.

"What do you mean, I'm off the hook?" asked Harm with trepidation. Something in Mac's eyes made his heart fill with dread.

"You're off the hook. We're friends; we don't have to be anything more. I have to go."

With that Mac drove off and Harm was left staring after her. He stood there for a minute in shock, not wanting to believe what had just happened. Slowly he walked to his vehicle and sat there. 'What.. just.. happened..?' he asked himself. He couldn't believe things had turned so badly. He finally felt that he and Mac could move forward and now this. He leaned his head back against the rest and said aloud, "This can't be happening."

Mac brushed the tears from her eyes and checked her rearview mirror. She had left as quickly as she could because she didn't want Harm to see her cry. But now the tears fell freely.

****

30 minutes later

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia

Harm walked to his office and closed the door. Adm. Chegwidden and Cmdr. Turner walked in a few minutes later; both noted the Commander's closed door and looked at each other. Cmdr. Turner just shook his head and the Admiral walked to his office with a resigned look. A little while later, Sturgis went to Harms office.

Harm quickly opened a case file and said 'come in' at the knock on his door.

"Hey buddy, what are you working on?" asked Sturgis as he closed the door and sat down.

"Just finishing up this brief. What can I do for you?" asked Harm sounding busy.

"Nothing, just checking in on you."

"Now is not a good time, Sturgis. I need to finish this."

When Sturgis didn't comment, Harm looked up expectantly.

"What is it?"

"Harm, I had lunch with the Admiral a little while ago. We dined at Taste of America."

"Great," said Harm, tossing his pencil to the desk.

"Harm, if you want to talk about it…"

"Sturgis, if I knew what to talk about myself, I would. But right now I'm still trying to stop my head from spinning."

"We couldn't hear what was said, but it was obvious the two of you were upset about something. Harm, are you involved with Mac?"

"No, Sturgis, I can honestly say that I am not."

"And that's the problem?"

Harm didn't answer at first. "It's complicated, Sturgis. What did the Admiral have to say?"

"Nothing yet. But buddy, you really do need to pick less public places to have potentially upsetting conversations."

"Tell me about it."

"Harm, what happened?"

"Just a big misunderstanding. And then I said something that I shouldn't have… something stupid."

"No offense, but that seems to be a pattern with you when it comes to the Colonel. Didn't make another comment about her ex's, did you?"

At Harm's look, Sturgis did a double take and said, "No, don't tell me you did?"

"Harm, what do Mac's past relationships have to do with you?"

"Nothing," said Harm irritated by the question. "Look, Sturgis, just leave it alone. Things have always been touchy between the Colonel and me. We'll get through this."

Sturgis looked at Harm for a minute. "You don't sound too sure. Ordinarily, I _would_ leave it alone, but the Colonel's a friend and she's got a lot to deal with right now. The two of you are close, I know, but you really don't have a right to disapprove of Mac, her relationships, when you're not a part of them.

"What! Sturgis, were do you get that? I don't disapprove of Mac!" Harm angrily replied. 

Undaunted, Sturgis continued. "Don't you?"

"No, I don't."

"Okay," said Sturgis as he stood to leave.

"Wait." Harm looked at him, then looked away shaking his head in disbelief. Looking back at his friend, he asked, "Do you really believe I disapprove of Mac?"

Sturgis hesitated before answering. "Harm, I haven't known the two of you together very long. Maybe I just don't understand the relationship."

"Don't placate me, Sturgis. I want your honest opinion."

Taking his seat again, Sturgis began to speak. "It just occurs to me that the times you and I have talked about Mac, you always mentioned one or more of the men she was involved with. I don't think you approve of her choice in men."

"Did Mac ever tell you that?"

"No. Did she ever tell you that?"

"No," said Harm, not holding Sturgis' eyes. Sturgis knew there was more.

"What _did_ she tell you?"

"She said… she told me that I don't trust her. Not when it comes to men."

"Same thing, buddy. Disapproval, distrust."

Harm sat back, sighing deeply. "Sturgis, I don't disapprove of Mac. And if I didn't like her choice in men, it was… it was only because it wasn't me.

Sturgis gave his friend an understanding smile and said, "I thought as much. Perhaps you should explain that to the Colonel. What time does her flight leave?"

"Not til 1800 but I've got to get these briefs filed today. Sturgis, will you drop them off for me if I can get them in your hands by 16:00?"

"Will do; I should be in my office." Standing to leave, Sturgis told him, "Good luck, Harm. And by the way, I happen to know that not all of Mac's choices are bad."

"Thanks, Sturgis."

****

15:45 hours

Same day

Harm dropped off his briefs with Sturgis and made a beeline to the Admiral's office. He wanted to talk to Mac before she left, and he didn't want to call ahead of time. If he left in the next 15 minutes, he should be able to catch her at the airport.

"Enter!" called the Admiral.

"'Afternoon, Admiral. Sir, I would like permission to leave early." AJ was standing reading a document when Harm entered. Removing his glasses, he regarded Harm before replying. 

"Why do you need to leave early?"

"Sir, as you know Col. MacKenzie is leaving for L. A. shortly and I wanted to see her off."

"From what I witnessed earlier, I don't think she would mind if you didn't see her off, Commander."

"Sir, Cmdr. Turner told me that you were at the restaurant. The Colonel and I just had a misunderstanding."

"Are you telling me you've cleared things up now and she's asked you to see her flight off?"

"No, sir, not exactly."

"What then, exactly, Harm?"

Harm looked at the Admiral and knew that he wasn't pleased with him at the moment. And he obviously blamed him for the disagreement that he and Mac had at the restaurant.

"Sir, I need to talk to Mac before she leaves. If I leave right now, I can catch her before she goes through the security checkpoint."

"Permission denied."

"But, Admiral…"

"Commander, the Colonel has a lot on her mind right now and she needs to devote her energies to what she's going through. Upsetting her further is not in her best interest. Whatever you need to discuss with her can wait. Permission denied."

Harm realized the Admiral would not yield to his request.

"Aye, sir."

"And Harm, stay away from that airport. That's an order. And if you disobey that order, I will send you to the brig. Are we clear?"

"Crystal, sir. And with all due respect, Admiral, I had no intention of upsetting the Colonel; the very opposite, in fact. And what occurred between us was outside this office."

"Are you telling me to mind my own business, Commander?"

"No, sir, I would not do that."

"Good. Dismissed!"

Harm went back to his office and just managed not to slam the door. He paced for a minute, then picked up the phone and dialed information.

"Washington, D.C. The Four Seasons hotel." He waited as the autodial dialed the number for him.

"Yes, would you ring Harrison MacLain's room, please…"

****

The End, Chapter 6


End file.
